So tonight I felt the deep desire to blog my heart out. Normally I just ignore my feelings (or try to anyways) before I decided to face them. I just bury them and pretend like they are not there until it all builds up and I can’t take it anymore. I am sitting outside of Stone Cup tonight because they closed earlier than I had expected and I still have their password ;). Something that has been on my heart a LOT lately–actually the past week (and I really hope he is not reading this) is a guy that I went on a couple dates with last week. Before I go any further, I want to let you know that I am not one of those creepy. obsessive, crazy women–I either like a guy or I don’t and if I don’t feel like the feeling is mutual than I will just throw the feelings to the side and move on. That’s all there is to it–or so I thought. The other night I had a break down over this “guy” because I felt like he didn’t return the same feelings–which, I am not really sure if he does just for the record. It wasn’t the guy, per say, that made me have that break down. It was the feeling that I was myself and if he didn’t like me for me than that meant there had to have been something wrong with my personality.
Haha, before I sound crazy ridiculous (maybe it’s too late…?) hear me out. I was in an abuse relationship so things still come up. Insecurities still come up even though I try to just bury them deep and pretend like they are not there. The reason I cried over this guy was not because I was super infatuated with him (we only went on two dates for crying out loud!), however, it was because in two years since my mentally abusive ex and I parted ways, this was the first time I have felt for someone. I honestly thought that that part of me was gone for a long time, if not forever. I hadn’t cried in so long I had forgotten what it felt like to release… everything. I didn’t hold back–or rather, I couldn’t hold back.
I had been deep inside my mind the whole day at work and when my roommate came home and asked how my day was, I lost it–and I felt so foolish. I ended up telling her things that I wish that I hadn’t–like, the fact that it is so hard to see her and her boyfriend’s relationship because it makes me long so bad for something that I do not have. Something that I don’t need but something that I wouldn’t mind having. I long for a day when I can just put my heart out there and not hold back anything; To tell someone all of my secrets and know that they won’t judge me no matter what I say. To run up to him when I just need to be in his arms and be told that everything is okay even when it may not be. I do my best to remain patient throughout it all but sometimes, gosh, it is just so hard to.
You would think in this day and at my age finding someone would be easy (haha). Finding someone IS easy, but finding someone that respects my morals and won’t turn and run when they find out they won’t be “getting any” until I have a wedding ring on my finger, that my dear friends is the hard part. Morals should be, but aren’t really respected anymore–they are almost irrelevant in this day and age.
On a MUCH brighter note, I am so thankful for a God that loves me for me and like my dad told me the other night, someday I am going to find a man who respects everything about me–That God is totally going to honor me for staying pure throughout times when it has been tough. I am very ready for that day but until then I guess I am going to remain…single. Sometimes listening and doing what you know God wants you to do is not really that fun. But in the end, I know that whomever God has me paired with in for the long haul it totally worth my wait even if it is almost heart-wrenching right now.
No mopey blogs. No more. I promise this is the last and only one. You know what? Screw it. This is my blog and I can do with it what I please, haha. Okay let’s not overdo it. No more mopes.
Enough for now,