Fear has the innate ability to consume you–if you let it. It can paralyze you and make you think things that should never even be thought in the beginning.
Fear is encompassing and devastating. When you think of something that is, “scary” to you, what is it that comes to your mind? I asked my sixteen year old sister this question and her answer was, “being buried alive”. However, for myself, my fear is totally focused towards relationships. I mean, of course the thought of drowning is terrifying too but that is not what first comes to my mind.
I am scared for myself and also scared for who my potential “mate” could be because for three years I have felt like I am not worth anyone’s time–like I am just some messed up person that could never be “whole” again–that I would be more of a task for someone than something that could potentially increase someone’s happiness.
It’s funny because last night I had a dream that someone came into our office and through the window, shot me in the chest. After waking up drenched in sweat, I got to thinking that every time I have liked someone in the past, I have dreamt about getting shot. So, I decided to do a little bit of research on maybe what that possibly means. Although a lot of times I don’t believe in that phony-bologna, my findings this time around were very interesting–
“to dream that you are shot or being shot at represents a form of self-punishment that you may be subconsciously imposing on yourself”. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of.
I have been punishing myself for so long thinking that no one would want me–that no one could EVER want me and that I would probably be single for the rest of my life. Of course, that is not true because that is not how my heavenly father sees me and He has really been working on my heart here lately.
So, this blog is going to kind of turn into a prayer.
Lord, give me the ability to see myself for how you view me. Show me how to love myself again and give me the potential to be loved again. Let me not hide myself in the background and push away everything that comes my way like I have in the past.
God, change my heart and help me realize that there are men out there who are good men. That not everyone is out there to potentially hurt or tear me apart. Help me to see the beauty in myself instead of trying to change it to something/someone that I am not. I am scared God–I am not good at opening myself up anymore–but I want to be! I know you have the “perfect” man out there for me and I want to be able to be the best that I can be.
If you all could keep me in your prayer life, that would be greatly appreciated.
Until next time,
Sarah Joy 🙂