If you have been a long follower of my blog, you have heard about the many tell tale stores of my anxiety. Most of the time I can drown out the destitute feelings that it brings but whenever some change comes around so does my anxiety.
As you know, I have severe relationship anxiety. When I say severe, I am not just talking about being nervous–nervousness does not even begin to cover this. This is full blown anxiety. Unfortunately, I have a anxiety disorder. I have some “emergency” meds in my closet, however, they are extremely addictive and I should not take them a lot nor rely on them. All that’s left is to breathe through it. To fight for my life back–to move on and flourish past the hot flashes, the rapid heartbeat, the hyperventilation. I was reading an article on my town’s website and it was about using meditation for anxiety and they gave this definition of what it is like to have an anxiety disorder and it could not have been more spot on.
Anxiety isn’t a thought. I feel my anxiety as a physical force. It’s there in my body even when I’m not consciously thinking anything bothersome. It manifests in uncontrollable physical symptoms—rapid heartbeat, hot or cold sweats, difficulty breathing or talking, a feeling of extreme fear or dread for no logical reason.
I am scared… but the question everyone asks me is, “what are you scared of?” Sometimes I can’t tell you. Sometimes I can’t talk about it because I don’t know how to talk about it. Sometimes it is easier to write about it.
Am I making the wrong decision? Am I making the right decision? What if this is it? We don’t have everything in common. This isn’t how I pictured it.
I have/had this picture of what it would be like when I had a boyfriend again and it wasn’t anything like this–nothing. Except it is. It is exactly how I pictured it minus a few parts. What are those few parts though? I dreamt a boyfriend would just accept me the way I was… that I would just tell him I had a bad relationship in the past and that would be it. He wouldn’t question it… he would just accept it. But I have quickly realized that all of that bad stuff that I had just pushed behind the scenes? Yeah.. that stuff is important. I can’t (even though I earnestly want to) live a life without revealing myself and why I am the way I am. I can’t have a one sided relationship where I just listen to everything the other person says without sharing something.
The truth? Relationships are not one sided. I can’t just hide that stuff forever–if I do then I can’t move on. I keep revisiting everything that has happened in the past. Things that screwed me over. Things that left me in paralyzing fear. I have locked all of my fear and all of my sadness up in my heart. I have talked about it to him but I haven’t released it. I haven’t let it go. I still see myself as the girl with the broken heart. The girl that has worked so hard to rebuild her puzzle but can’t find the last pieces not matter how hard she tries.
I feel like I am stuck in this pit and I can’t pull myself out because I am not strong enough. I have a front that I put on–that I am this strong independent woman that can’t be hurt no matter how hard she tries. I am not. I am this scared woman that I can’t move on because I haven’t let myself. I haven’t let myself release it. I haven’t let myself let go of the numbness because I am afraid that once I really let myself feel the pain and hurt of the past I won’t be able to stop–I won’t be able to stop crying. Guys, I can’t tell you the last time that I cried because I am afraid that once I let myself start I won’t be able to stop.
So I sit here. How do I let myself go? How do I let someone else into my heart? How do I break down the walls? How do I get past this fear–this paralyzing fear? How do I love my boyfriend? How do I let myself love again?
I have been working on explaining things and working on making myself known–to let him know how I am really feeling and my deepest thoughts and I think that is bringing us closer a lot. I know it will just take time. Having a boyfriend after 4 years of being single is a big change in life and a big change in my routine. This is the first amazing relationship I have had in my life. I have absolutely no complaints. Therefore, I know that I am just trying to sabotage it myself. At least I can recognize it right? I’m not giving up–this is just a mental disorder. This is just in my own head and I know exactly who it is coming from–who else creates fear in the rest of the world? Who is the creator of chaos? The devil. I have learned that God doesn’t speak to anyone in the form of anxiety–the way anxiety feels could not come from my God. It just can’t. It doesn’t.
Anyways, pray for me guys and feel free to offer any advice that you all may have. I will take anything.